Thoughts at 53

A moment, as the odometer of my life rolls over one more time, on what I think I've learned about myself over the years.

• I've spent too much of my life being afraid.  Afraid of failure, of coming up short, of not being what I need to be, want to be, ought to be.  I'm not sure where that came from.  It's robbed my life of a lot I've come to realize.  Joy in victories, useless worry in advance.  I'm working very hard to eliminate it from my life.
• Some people just don't like me and there's not a lot I can do about it appears.  I've been called arrogant and conceited and pompous.  I've been told I expect too much and I'm too demanding.  In the first category I just don't buy it.  People like that think too highly of themselves, they see themselves as better than everyone else.  I don't.  Too often I don't think I'm good enough.  As for the second I'm not sure why I should apologize for that.  I expect other people to work as hard as I do.  And generally I work hard.  If that bothers you so be it.  If you can out work me I'll lead the cheers for you.  But don't expect me to slow down to make you look good.
• I am and probably always will be socially awkward.  The teen aged boy in me is still intimidated by girls.  Women I respect intimidate me.  I feel unsure and awkward and embarrassed and desperately want to impress them in return.  The same goes for men I respect.  I like people and really want to feel like I fit in and am liked.  It takes a while for me to feel comfortable so I tend to hang out along the fringes and feel left out.  I've gotten better but I'll never be as smooth as I wish.
• My greatest gift is also my greatest shortcoming.  I love to talk and tell stories and manipulate words.  There have been many times in my life when what I really needed to do was shut the hell up.  I'm still a very good story teller but I've become a much better listener.
• I have a "glass half empty" approach to life.  I swear I must be the happiest most optimistic glass half empty person on the planet but there it is.  The only advantage to pessimism is how often you are pleasantly surprised.
• That I am blessed with people who truly care about me.  I need to say that this surprises me every time I'm reminded of this FACT.  I have no idea why anyone pays me any mind whatsoever, why anyone should spend a single second thinking about me.  I have an incredible wife, a glorious daughter and family and friends who are so wonderful that it is beyond my capacity to describe.  I don't deserve you but I glory in my good fortune.  Thank you.  I love you all.

I'm hoping this next year will be a little less exciting than last year.  I hope that you will all bear with me when I'm awkward or pushy or focused too much on myself.  I promise to be less afraid, to listen more, to enjoy more, to expect better and to revel in you all.

That would be the greatest birthday present of all.

Peace