Stroke stories - Fear

I've picked up a new companion on my journey back to health.

Fear.

Not a debilitating, paralyzing kind of fear.  Just a nagging irritant that colors everything I do.  The good news on my stroke was that there was no obvious physical frailty that led to it.  The bad news in that is that I have no idea what "caused" it. 

And a tiny little voice from the darkest regions of my mind whispers "Or what might make it happen again".

There's nothing rational in this but then that's the nature of fear, isn't it?

Fear of the undiscovered deficit.  Every time I try something new the question lingers - is this what I can't do?  So far, so good.  And the fear is forced back a little bit each time.

Fear of the simple things.  Coughs, sneezes, bending over too far, standing up too quickly, laughing, the list is endless.  So far, so good.  And the fear is forced back a little more.

Fear of what people might think.  The downside of coming through the stroke as well as I have is that I'm not obviously "recovering".  I look  a little tired but that's it.  Inside I know I'm still only about 70-75%.  The headaches continue.  I know I'm still healing.  It might be easier to deal with other folks expectations if I just didn't look quite so damn healthy, lol.  And laughter helps push the fear back a little further.

Fear that a full recovery might not mean a "full recovery".  Which means what?  That I won't be able to return to the activities I enjoyed before at the level I could do them before.  My relative youth and good health before the stroke are big plusses for me in this.

In the end I can let the fears control me or I can control them.  There is an old American Indian tale about the two wolves that battle inside us all.  One is fear and envy and anger.  The other is joy, peace, love and hope.  The one that wins is the one that gets fed.

I chose not to feed my fears.