On Father's Day

I must admit to ambivalent feelings about Fathe's Day.

My wife and daughter treat me like a king so it's not that.  (Actually they treat me pretty well most days).

No, the problem with Fathers Day has to do with my father.

You see he's gone.  And while I miss him every day this day brings that empty space into sharper relief.  Add in the fact that it was on Fathers Day that he collapsed into what would become his final illness and my feelings for this day are mixed at best.

It's been almost 11 years since he died (I disdain all the polite circumlocutions, he passed on, he left us.  He died, my father is dead.  Adults deal) but I still catch myself thinking "Pop would love this".  For example he would have loved the TV show "Top Gear".  He would have torn into the hosts on a regular basis when he disagreed with their opinions or behavior but he would have been a dedicated viewer.  I'd love to hear his thoughts on the newly re-invigorated American auto industry and their latest offerings.  He would have PLENTY to say on the woeful state of Pirate baseball (he didn't think much of professional athletes in the '70's I can only imagine his thoughts on Chad Ocho Cinco or Terrell Pryor).  He and I would probably still be arguing over the value of colorizing movies (he thought it was a good idea.  Bleah!)

It would have been great to see him getting to know his grown up granddaughter.  They would have sparred and laughed and argued.

This is why I'm ambivalent about Fathers Day.  It brings up all the might have beens and never weres.

I never fully got to work out the issues of being "Little Jay" or "Young Jay" or just JD to his JK.  We were getting there.  What would it have been like to continue the process we had begun of not only being father and son but grown up friends as well?  I'll never know.

I'll cling to memories but I won't live in the past.  He wouldn't have wanted me to.
I'll treasure his memory but I won't make him into (too much of) a legend he would have found the concept ludicrous and uncomfortable.

I will try to be as good a man as he was.  A good man is one who does the best he can, shortcomings and all.  My father wasn't perfect and neither is his son.

But he's still a pretty good standard by which to judge myself.

Happy Father's Day Pop.


I miss you.